Moving to a place where I knew no one and nothing is the best decision I have ever made, and I have only been here for three weeks.
The week before I was coming here I was really upset at myself. I am not sure if it was nerves or what, but I didn’t want to leave Arizona. I wanted my little house in Flagstaff with my friends, and my boyfriend, and my family. I love traveling, but at the end of every trip I have been on I have craved home, and I was terrified I would feel like that for 6 months. I knew I needed this though, and I have found that it was everything I needed to open my eyes.
I live such an incredible life in Arizona. I have the world’s greatest family and friends, house, etc. and I am so blessed that I can attend college, have two jobs that allow me to make an income, live in an incredibly safe and a generally fair country which offers the world at your feet. I am more than comfortable, and comfort is such a good thing. But I was in a routine that was more of a rut. I woke up every day to get a degree that, while opening a million doors, I have no idea what I want to do with. My closest friends lived in different cities, I was performing average at work and at school, living an unhealthy lifestyle, and was honestly not happy. By saying I was not happy, that doesn’t mean I was always unhappy. I was just neutral all the time. And life is not designed for constant happiness, so that is okay. But I complained constantly, and was completely unfulfilled by life.
After spending last Summer in South America I came back upset that this is what I am doing with my freedom, and family of privilege, and on the other hand I also was feeling I was undeserving to be lucky enough to be born in the country I was. But how do you ask for more out of life when you literally have everything you need? I was upset at myself for not being content with my “perfect” life, because I know very well there are about a billion people in far different situations that would kill to have my life. But I also was mad at the rut I was in, because I truly have the opportunities to do whatever I want to do. It was a constant strain and imbalance of opinion in wanting more, but feeling undeserving of what I already have that caused me to be really upset in my comfort.
One of the guys I live with here in Leiden is from Brazil and has spent over three years in tribes deep in the Amazon. Literally less than a month ago he left the Amazon and went to Europe. You should know, the Netherlands is literally utopia. It is small and the people behave themselves, crime relatively is nonexistent, everyone has money (there is a homeless population of 27 people in the Netherlands compared to the 1.56 million people in the US, and 24 million people in Brazil- I realize the sizes of these countries are vastly different, but even to scale this would be a huge difference), and there is a social order that is understood and rarely disrupted. This town is the exact opposite of how he was living. He said he is having such a hard time adjusting to living in a place like that is too perfect like this, while there are people living in absolute poverty.
Okay so of course my first thought was “wow you are amazing please tell me all about your life”. Second thought- This guy lives in the freakin Amazon while I spend every day in this stupid routine that I don’t even like. I do not have to get a job when I graduate, I do not have to know what I want to do with my life at 20, I do not have to do anything.
I AM SO LUCKY TO BE IN THE LIFE I AM WHY THE HELL AM I NOT HAPPY ALL THE TIME. Why do I EVER chose unhappiness. Why do I hangout with people I don’t like, why am I working toward a job I don’t want, why have I been feeling like this for six months and have done nothing about it.
Last Summer when Alex and I were in Ecuador we were driving in a truck back from the rainforest and there were no seats inside. Instead of cramming inside, the safe and comfortable option, and we both chose to sit in the bed of the truck. We stood on the bed of the truck holding the bars on the top and for a 45 minute car ride, we had rain and wind in our face, surrounded by green rainforest and waterfalls, next to someone we really really loved, and felt life. I have never felt happiness like that. As pathetic as it is, I get teary eyed every time I think of this memory.
The other day I was riding my bike home and got super lost. It was snowing SO hard and I didn’t have wifi for a map, so I just kept riding in hopes of finding the city center to orient myself again. My phone constantly kept shuffling the best music, and I found the most beautiful area of Leiden that I had never seen before. I finally found my way, but was having such an amazing time I chose to ride my bike all the way down and up the canal before going home, literally smiling.
I have a serious issue with decisiveness socially. It is shown in its simplest form when someone asks me where I want to go eat. My answer 9 times out of 10 is “I don’t care, where do you want to go?”. This is rooted in me either honestly really not caring, or me wanting the other person to be entirely happy. These are not bad thoughts, but you should care where you eat. Stop what you are doing and decide what would make you happy. Make conscious decisions to be happy when you are given the opportunity and you will start feeling happy.
I have the coolest friends here, but I have spent the most time alone this semester than I ever have before. I have no one to please here but myself. If I want to sleep until noon on Saturday, I sleep until noon. If I want to go to a bar on a Tuesday, I text whoever I want to go with and say “hey let’s go to a bar”. If I am at a café and can’t decide if the cappuccino or the hot chocolate would be better, I can get both. If I want to read an entire book and do nothing else I cocoon myself in my bed and read a book. I am not perfect at this, and it is a conscious battle to decide what I want and act on it, but I am getting better at it the more I work on it.
I have only myself to compare these thoughts with, but as soon as I started acting in this manner I started waking up happy. I would wake up and think only of what I wanted to do. This doesn’t mean you wake up and do things selfishly, or at the expense of others, but wake up knowing what has to be done and do it in a way that would please you.
This is a utopian situation, because I don’t have a job here, I have a stupid amount of free time, and don’t have anyone else to worry about. But I can’t shake the idea that a lot of us who are so privileged to live the life we do, sit in a rut because we are comfortable and want to please everyone else. If you have dreamed of living in New York, find a job there and move. If you have always wanted to vacation to Italy- stop what you are doing, live uncomfortably for six months and save the money to go.
I have a friend that is doing the John Muir trail this Summer because its something she has always wanted to do, I found myself thinking it was a bad idea because they’ve never done something like it before. But we need to stop thinking things are bad because we are unprepared, or have never done something like it before. It is so badass that she is doing it, and I am so jealous that she is brave enough to go do it.
I guess what I am saying is if you’ve always wanted something, don’t fall into the excuse of “someday”. Someday I will start at a gym and get in shape, someday I will backpack Australia, someday I will pack up and move to a little house on the beach. Don’t use the excuse of money, your family, your job. You can save the money, your family will always be your family, and there are other jobs. Do it now, because I guarantee you will find that you are a much better human being for it, and I am finding so much happiness in doing so.